Monday, September 19, 2011

Why I'm glad I didn't hook-up with Edward Cullen

Much like half of the twi-hard fans, when the Twilight Saga first came out, I had a small, itty-bitty, obsessive crush on Edward Cullen and, by extension, Robert Pattinson. Even though I have since stopped writing "Dani Cullen" all over my journals, I find myself more accepting of "vampires" in general, like the ones on True Blood or Vampire Diaries.

Anyway, I was reminded last night when I was lying on Ava bear's floor as the other incisor was breaking its way through her gums and wrecking havoc on the once-quietness of our house, that I'm pretty glad I didn't wind up with Edward. Not only would vampire-parents have to deal with their children's fangs coming in but does it hurt every time they pop out? If Bill Compton from True Blood can be believed, by the look on his face, it looks like he feels uber-constipated when the fangs descend. I doubt Mylanta could touch that with a ten foot pole but there are other reasons I'm glad I don't have a vampire for a child:
  • I'd hate to see a vampire child during witching hours. I know how impatiently Ava bear waits at my feet while I'm making dinner- screaming and demanding that I cook faster. Can you imagine a baby vampire? And when exactly would witching hour be? Between 3 and 5am?
  • Although it would be nice to not have to figure out what to make every day for breakfast, lunch and dinner, what goes on the side of blood? Definitely not garlic mashed potatoes but what? Broccoli? Stuffing?  Plus, what if you have guests over? "Please ignore the body dangling from my child's mouth?" That's like trying to ignore the proverbial pink elephant. I'd never get to have a dinner party again!
  • I could barely open my mouth far enough to say "Mommy's here" every five minutes from the floor of Ava's bedroom. Imagine having to actually be standing and upright during the whole entire night? And what on Earth would we do every night? Bounce houses, libraries and Wegmans would totally be closed (Well, I guess bounce houses would be out anyway because of the pointy fangs).
  • I am STILL scarred by the birth scene of Renesmee. You think I want to go through that 3 times? I'm sorry but I don't care how cute he is, how well he can sing and play the piano and how fast he can run, pregnancy and the toddler years are hard enough without adding blood-lust to the mix. I'm just saying.
Anyway, I'm not saying I'm Team Jacob. I never will be (although I did have a very delicious dream about him last night- first time EVER!) but I'm just saying that I think I'll stick with my own cub's. They may drain the life out of me figuratively but it's about a thousand times better than having it drained out literally.

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